8/14/10

"He will guide us, if we choose to listen to him."

There are some things in life that just hit you without warning and makes you realize all the things you have missed. All the things that you were too busy or too stubborn to look at. All things that are around you, all the things inside of you. I realized that there is happiness and someone watching over us everywhere and wherever we go. That was something that hit me right in the face making me feel stupid and stunned. 

I've been missing Texas and everyone so much even though I was there for more than a month I still wanted to go back. And that's understandable, right? I grew up there. But, I made my self believe that no matter where I go nothing would be the same as in Texas, nothing would make me as happy as how Texas made me happy. But I realized something, I realized it's all inside of me. I remember when we were about to leave to Utah Great Grandpa Wade said these words to me, "When you move, have a good attitude. If you don't have a good attitude then nothing will seem to turn out right." He was right. I didn't listen to his advice when we moved. I was stubborn and didn't want to change, I didn't want to have a good attitude. Utah wasn't where I wanted to be, I wanted to be in Texas where I am comfortable and happy. I blocked out any happiness I could have had in Utah because I was so mad I wasn't where I wanted to be. I turned into a turtle, always going into my shell whenever something happened to me or was about to happen to me. I felt so alone and in the dark. And that is so not me or how I usually feel about things. I like to be around people to laugh and to live, but my choices turned me into someone I never wanted to be. I've been an emotional wreck since we first moved to Utah heck I was a bomb of emotion one poke and boom! I'd explode into a fit of tears and anger. I didn't think anyone cared about how I felt or wanted to know how I felt. 

But then at efy I realized there is someone always caring, watching and looking after you. The scripture for efy this year was Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the lord thy god is with thee withersoever thou goest." at efy I found this to be true. It was such a spiritual experience for me. Nothing hit me as hard as that had hit me. I was full of the spirit and so much love that week, something I thought had abandoned me. But, no matter where we are and how sad or alone we feel, we really are never ever alone. He is always there waiting to comfort us, but it is up to us to call to him so he can come and fill us with his love. and I believe in that so much. But somehow the weeks following efy that belief seemed to slip away from my mind. 

While I was in Texas I was under stress, anxiety and in the dark once again. Not because of the people there or anything, but of the situation our family was in while I was there. I didn't know where the Lord was trying to steer us and where he wanted us to be. It was hard for me to see my family in this situation, to see them cry so much. I tried to reassure my family that the Lord will put us where he wants us to be, but it's hard to be strong when it fells like the weight of the world was on your shoulders. I didn't remember the whole "for the lord thy god is with thee withersoever thou goest" thing. I wish I would have remembered it, because I know if I would have called to him, he would have carried the pain, the suffering the sadness for me sooner than now. I won't forget that again. 

I still miss Texas, but not as much as I did. Because now I know that whatever I'm going to be, whatever situation I'm in, I just need to be happy and make the best of things and turn to the Lord whenever I'm feeling alone and sad, and everything will turn out right. Because he is always there, watching and taking care of us. He will guide us, if we choose to listen to him. He loves us so much and wants the best for us. I'm glad I have a testimony of that. 

Some choices in life will be hard to make and we will go through times where we won't want to let go of the things we love and miss. But sometimes it's better to let go so we can hold on.

-Punch